Club Insanity
by Yamanaka
Summary: Yagura had just gotten out of the position of Mizukage, and was looking for a saner job. Maybe Club Insanity wasn't the right place to go for that request?


Yagura shifted nervously in his seat. Just yesterday he'd been released from the hospital, and (since the position of Mizukage was no longer open) had applied for a job at Club Insanity. He'd heard good things about Club Insanity; despite the rather misleading name, it was a well-known mental health center. He'd been phoned an hour later, and was waiting for his interview.

"Am I in the wrong waiting room…?" Yagura wondered.

Isobu gave a mental shrug. **Are there other waiting rooms?** the Sanbi asked.

_No, I suppose not… But _still_._

In one corner, there were six orange-headed men engaged in an intense debate. Yagura noticed all of them wore nametags. Animal Path – was that _really_ a name – glared at his fellows. "I am god," he announced confidently.

"No," Asura Path argued, "You're wrong. I am god."

Preta Path shook his head. "Fools_. I _amgod_._"

Human Path opened his mouth and was about to say something when Deva Path interrupted. "The world will know Pain." Deva Path stated solemnly.

"The world will know Pain." The other five nodded, completely in sync. Their argument satisfactorily concluded, the six went back to staring at the white wall.

**Definitely patients.** Isobu decided.

In another corner, Yagura spotted a red-haired boy drawing on a wooden desk with his sharpie. When he walked over to take a closer look, he saw that they were all drawings of the dark-haired boy sitting next to him dying in various painful ways. Well, at least he had artistic talent.

Drifting back over towards his chair, he noticed that a man who bore a suspicious likeness to the third Kazekage had occupied his chair. "Sir, excuse me…" he said softly.

"Finders keepers, losers weepers." said the redheaded teen sitting next to the Not-Kazekage.

"But—"

"Go away, you're annoying me."

Yagura had never been very strong-willed (why anyone thought the bloodline purges were his creation, he had no idea), so he retreated meekly and sat down in a chair next to— holy hell, what were two Tailed Beasts doing at Club Insanity?

They were sort of _human-sized_, but the two animals next to him were most definitely the Ichibi and the Kyuubi.

"Hi." the fox said to him. "I'm Kurama, what's your name?"

"Y-Yagura." the ex-Mizukage stuttered. He was friendly with his biju and all that, but— that was different! The _Nine-Tailed Fox_ was _talking_ to him!

Kurama snorted. "No need to be nervous, squirt. Anyways, what's a kid like you doing here?"

Immediately, the nervous but generally friendly boy was gone, replaced by a far icier personality. "I'm nearly forty." Yagura snapped.

"Seriously?" the Demon Fox asked incredulously. "You really don't look like—"

The whole room could feel Yagura's killing intent quite clearly. "_If you don't stop talking in the next two seconds I will rip your tongue out and feed it to you._"

Shukaku whistled. "That's my kind of guy!" it said approvingly.

"He does realize he's threatening the most powerful being on this plane of existence?" Kurama asked his sibling.

The raccoon dog rolled its eyes. "You an' your ego. I'll have you know Gyuki's got the position right now if I'm not mistaken."

"Just because that annoying yellow gnat sealed away my Yin chakra!"

"Whatever helps ya sleep at night."

Kurama turned back to the short shinobi who was _definitely_ not a boy. "So, um... what're you here for?"

"Oh, me?" Yagura asked, friendly persona back again. "I'm here for an interview. Hoping to get a job. You?"

"Psychotic urges." the Demon Fox answered, peering sidelong at Yagura. "You _sure_ you're not a patient?"

Yagura blinked. "Er… yes?"

"Quiet!" a tall, blond-haired woman in a white coat yelled. Everyone but the Paths (who had resumed their previous argument) stopped their conversations.

"I am god and the rest of you are idiots." Deva Path asserted.

"Wrong. It is plain as day that I am—"

Suddenly, the air was heavily saturated with KI emanating from the woman. "SILENCE!" she barked. The Paths decided to be silent. "_Thank you_. Now, my name is Haruno Mebuki. You may call me Doctor Haruno. Welcome to Club Insanity. Please say 'here' when I call your name. Tobi?"

"Tobi is here!" the masked man cheered. Yagura found himself using Kurama as a fluffy shield. He didn't like Tobi. Tobi was scary.

"Pain, why is your name printed six times?" Mebuki wondered.

The Paths raised their hands.

"Oh, it's _you_. Next, Sasuke!"

"Hn." the Uchicha boy grunted.

Mebuki smiled sweetly. "You know, Sasuke, if you aren't going to be cooperative I might just have to tell my dear daughter Sakura that you would absolutely _love_ to go on a date with her."

"… Here."

"Very good, Sasuke! Gaara?"

The redheaded boy stood up suddenly. "Mother wants to drink your blood. She wants to see red splashed all over the sand and your limbs torn off. Maybe a leg and an arm over—"

"Thank you, but if you must plan your murders do it _silently_. Hidan?"

"That kid is damn good," the immortal said admiringly. Mebuki leveled an accusing stare in his direction. "Oh yeah, here."

"Sasori?"

"Here."

Mebuki looked over at the wooden teen and saw— "Just _what_ is the third Kazekage doing in my building?"

The Kazekage disappeared in a puff of smoke and a thoroughly less human _thing_ (Yagura decided he was entitled to a wee panic attack. It had a _mane_. And a _tail_.) "Hello, Hiruko. How are you doing today?" Sasori asked. He reached inside the thing – puppet – and opened its mouth. "Very good, thank you." he answered in a lower voice.

Mebuki picked up a walkie-talkie. "Got a patient for Ward Four, folks." she decided. "Moving on… Orochimaru?"

The Snake Sannin seemed to be entirely occupied in staring at Sasuke in a distinctly stalker-ish manner. "Mm, little boy… What? Oh, sorry. Here. Kukuku."

"_Some people_. Kabuto?"

The silver-haired spy pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Here."

"Kyuubi and Ichibi, here. Obviously. Itachi?"

"Here." Itachi replied absently. "Otouto, can I have your eyes?"

"_Madhouse_." Yagura muttered.

"And lastly, Deidara."

The blond man (he was almost entirely sure it was male) next to Kabuto grinned. "Here. Time to show the world true art, un! Katsu!" He made a handsign and the wall blew up.

Mebuki scowled and suddenly she was right next to Deidara and then there was a Deidara-shaped hole in the wall behind him. That made two walls that needed to be fixed.

Hiruko waved its tail and somehow got the thing firmly imbedded in yet another wall.

Yagura began inching towards the door. "I think maybe I should find a job somewhere else," he told himself. "This time, I'll go for somewhere _sane_."


End file.
